XLIX happy leap!

Leap year did not do Frederick any good,
He was bound both by duty and tight pants,
If you do not know what I mean, you should,
Go forth and watch thee Pirates of Penzance!
Or horror films get large prophetic kicks
From days that show up four years at a time,
Like Jeepers Creepers (quite a dreadful flick)
Just trust me, I have seen it, it's a crime.
It seems to me an awful lot of work,
Just to keep some calendars organized,
I hope Gregorians got lots of perks,
For keeping all those numbers memorized.
   It may be accruing a cheap patina,
   But oh, it gives great Deus Ex Machina.

XLVIII inception valentine

I wonder what is dream and what is truth,
It's like the ceiling has become the floor,
Like JGL dressed in a three piece suit,
Each time I think I've reached the end there's more.
I don't know where these feelings bloomed out from,
What fateful moment might have truck the spark,
I'm three deep levels down at least, I'm dumb,
Please have some care, don't leave me on the fourth.
Yet so far down where ground can become sky,
And reflections go on and on for days,
I will not stop to think or question why,
I've never been so happy in a haze.
   If it's a dream I hope it never stops,
   You've got me spinning, spinning like a top.

XLVII italian accents

It's hard to do Italian accents,
Without just sounding like a total jerk,
It's easy to start having accidents,
About pronunciations you have heard.
Oh, am I in the right when I attempt,
To put a syllable-ah on each line?
And my poor tongue fears it is in contempt,
When figuring if "th" or "t" is right.
My strategy to solve these obstacles,
Is to eat all the native food I can,
Like pasta and cannoli, wine and cheese,
In hopes my mouth will start to understand,
   Whether the answer comes to yes or no,
    I will be eating all the gelato.
 

XLVI dragon

A think that all the problems in my life,

From transportation to my spirits laggin'

Feeling becalmed and broke and cold at night,

Would all be solved if I could have a dragon.

A dragon I could ride to visit friends,

Who dwell too far away for my comfort,

I'd feed him all the chocolate I could lend,

And help him catch a Kraken for desert.

I'm sure that he would be a spiffing cook,

With specialties in steak and swiss grilled cheese,

I'd sleep quite warm against the cozy nook

His wings make where they brush against his knees.

     I'd never use him for financial gain,

     Just for someone to play with through the rain.

   

LXV just skip this one

I'm blue enough to be a Smurf right now,
With a big batch of melancholy plus,
If there were ten of myselfs sitting round,
I'd be sorry enough for all of us.
I'm worse than any Henry James novel,
The ones where moody thoughts go on and on,
And you wish they just wouldn't think at all,
So you could stop reading of all their wrongs.
I'm really getting down to my last nerve
With this completely rotten attitude,
I wish that from this me-swamp I could swerve,
And steer after much livelier pursuits.
   I'll roust myself as soon as I am able,
   And start my search for a cave that has cable.

XLIV Holmes

A year is simply twenty times too long,
E'er those cheekbones will dazzle me again.
Also the coat that fills my heart with song,
Thy tow'ring intellect, that sweet disdain.
It's hard not to invent bizarre dangers,
Or put myself in peril and defeat,
Just so that you and John my crusaders
Will come and rescue me wrapped in a sheet.
The quips, the jokes, the cunning take and give,
The eye candy at old 22B,
Dear Hudson finding horrors in the fridge,
Your puzzels are the little death of me.
   Oh please return to me my love, Sherlock,
    Don't leave me crying at the Reichenbach.

XLIII that word

There are a lot of words that rhyme with duck,
But I can only really think of one,
So here goes, I'll say it, it is: muck.
Bet you were hoping for the other one.
Which is a rather puzzling expletive,
Because it can mean something that's so nice,
A noun, a verb, adverb, and adjective,
It gives to every life some added spice.
Were we rashly to yell aloud "Sex you!"
At people who annoyed us in our day,
They'd probably be cheered all through and through,
And have their outlook changed in every way.
   I don't know what to write down for this couplet,
   Perhaps it'd improve if I--destruct it.

XLII morbid osteology

When all else has decayed expect our bones,
Our skeletons will lie quite peacefully
Together in the dark, our ever home,
To dream demurely for eternity.
Then we will conjure up pleasures once led
With skin and flesh and wandering lips and sighs,
That every bone will blush a glowing red
Pulsing with memories of our old delights.
Some archeologists will be confused,
Some day long hence when stumbling on our tomb,
Confronted by our rosey light, bemused,
By the lingering scent of some perfume
      Of rain and orchards ripe under the sun,
       But we will give our secret up to none.

XLI thinner

Some nights it growls, runs and runs and runs,
As hungry as a gasping fish for salt,
The dark half of the moon for want of sun,
A free wave cresting that's been forced to halt.
This gnawing sound quite outdoes K.D. Lang,
With it's innate regard for constancy,
This crackling and hypnotic pulling pang,
Has not an end in sight that I can see.
It's both ungentle and not rough enough,
Like wind on plumage of a pinioned wing,
It eats and eats and never gets enough,
Just thinner, (like that book by Steven King.)
  More thoughts like these pace up and down the bed,
  On all the wrong things I am overfed.

XL late night

It's true you often keep me up at night,
I should sleep now, there's much to do come day,
Instead I sit up spellbound, entranced quite,
I simply cannot tear myself away.
Each thing about you is so beautiful,
The quantity of viewings matters not,
You are so streamlined and so delightful,
And all your varied faces are so hot.
When I see you it's such a fine surprise,
Every unscheduled visit makes me grin,
And even half awake with drooping eyes
I'm certain here's where the future begins.

   Star Trek, who says that remakes are uncool?
   Not me, I will just sit right here and drool.

XXXIX Shoplifters

Dear shoplifter's, some tips for when you steal:
First, don't. That makes less stress for all involved.
But if you're set on acting like a heel,
Some things not to do when the beeping's solved:
Don't say you know Clint Eastwood, he won't help.
Don't say someone else stuck it down your pants,
Don't threaten us with bad reviews on Yelp,
Don't come back hoping for a second chance.
When it's time for your hob-nob with the cops
About the hardback zipped inside your coat,
Explaining that a hooker ripped you off
Will really only hurt your case by rote.
    One more: stealing the Bible for your soul,
     Won't help you much when karma takes a poll.
 

XXXVIII garter belts

The Garter Belt came in with vim and sass,
Around the 1940's, give or take.
It promptly kicked the Girdle's uptight ass,
And gave old sleepy stockings extra shake.
And now they can be found most anyplace,
They even have them in the NHL,
They come in satin, leather, frothy lace,
And can make any hockey player swell.
Yes, hockey players wear the sly belt too,
They have too, or their tube socks will fall down,
Reebok has its own brand, I swear it's true,
They work both under uniforms and gowns.
    But whether used for sport, or man's ardor,
    They are a bloody nuisance to secure.

XXXVII Reading All's Well

Dear Bertram, no one likes you, you're a jerk.
You are the dreadful harbinger of bros,
There's not a bit of subtext in this work
That can redeem you. Man, you are a hose.
So you don't like the girl you have to wed,
Then stop harassing girls who don't dig you,
And trying to strong-arm then into bed,
When Helena (though crazy) is still true.
You seem to think that honor's of import,
You even symbolize it with a ring,
And yet as good Inigo* might retort,
"I don't think it means what you think it means."
    Of all your flaws I don't think I'm mistook,
    You are the inspiration for this book:

*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2y8Sx4B2Sk

XXXVI Downton Abbey. Yes me too.

I have to write this quickly as I can,
So I can keep watching this Downton show,
This evening hasn't gone the way I planned,
It's simply vanished down a long black hole,
Of beads and lace and posh British accents,
And lush green lawns and valets with a limp,
And horrid scheming teams of mean servants,
And meals at long white tables that don't skimp.
All this class warfare ought to make me stressed,
But I find I just cannot get enough,
For everyone's so beautifully dressed,
And can deliver such a gorgeous snub.
       I can't really do other things instead,
       Capitalizing being sick in bed.

XXXV Conan the Destroyer

Oh Conan the Destroyer, how you bulge
With spray tan muscles bursting at the seams,
My need for epic mayhem you indulge,
This film is 80's cheese that golden gleams.
Though of the questing virgin you lose track,
(She's carried off by smoke, she screams a lot)
At least you've got Grace Jones to save your ass,
And sometimes there's the semblance of a plot.
Wilt Chamberlain looms seven feet or more,
But he does not have fabulous ugg boots,
Yours are cross-gartered, stylish through the gore,
You've got a loincloth, you don't need a suit.
    Lackey's you'll slay in prolific amounts,
    As long as no one asks to keep count.

XXXIV A Constant Suitor

Break-ups are oft a young hearts cruel tutors,
I always wonder what it was I lacked,
They never call again, those cold suitors,
But Netflix dear, you always want me back.
You leave me e-mails nearly every week,
Were it legal you'd try wooing my phone,
And even though we never ever speak,
Your focus tells me that I'm not alone.
I know (fickle) you don't really love me,
It's only cause' I'm playing hard to get,
You're only lusting after my money,
And I would ere long find myself in debt.
    Yet still, each time I see your "Come back!" mail,
     My heart will flutter like a ship's glad sail.

XXXIII Happy Galentines Day!

Josie is grateful for her Pussycats,
And Dr Crusher's happy she's got Troi,
Lucy and Ethel always have a laugh,
Xena and Gabrielle don't need no boys.
Buffy and Willow dress to kill, and slay,
And then you've got the gals on Firefly,
There's Jane and Lizzie true in every way,
Beatrice and Hero for their friend would die.
The gals of Gilmore Girls are bonded tight,
There's Sisterhoods of Ya Ya's, Pants, and Luck,
With, tea or whiskey, ice cream, clubs, bad nights,
Good dates, break-ups, they lift us from the muck.
    Whether I want adventure or to talk,
     To all the ladies in my life, you rock!

XXXII

You make me fizz, you make me bubble quite,
So effervescent, light, so clear and clean,
Or oft' times dark, and sometimes clear bright,
And sometimes you're a jolt of pure caffein.
You go so well with almost everything,
I never feel your presence is amiss,
This could now well become a life long fling,
I'm content when I have you at my lips.
Occasionally, yes, you are too sweet,
And sometimes you can blow up everyplace,
It's often fraught when alcohol you meet,
From time to time you leave an aftertaste.
   You never quench my thirst I fear it's true,
    Yes soda, I am talking about you.




T said: "Soda."

XXXI inspired by The Love Letter Project today

I know we all complain of Valentine's
Day number one on all singles shit lists,
We often spend it guzzling down cheap wine,
And trying to forget the world exists.
We blame Hallmark and chocolate companies,
For making our eyes dim and our hearts faint,
And courtly love which came on by degrees,
Then enforced celebrating martyred saints.
Yes all the happy people make us cringe,
(And come on, really, how screwed up is that?)
When we've got parent's, siblings, cousins, friends,
Who all stick by us through thick, thin, and fat.
    And just because we've got no one to screw,
    Does not mean that we can't say "I love you."

XXX number 30!

In every ocean, lurking in the deeps,

Are creatures weird and strange to human eyes,

Distorted things, that wriggle, swoop and creep,

In icy waters carried on strange tides.

A person never sees them in the day,

For they don't venture near to where light shines,

But late at night after the sun's away,

They the slither upwards floating on the brine.

All of my fishy dank Cthulhu fears,

Come round to have a party and a drink,

They talk of bills not paid, and wasting years,

Failures and unknown futures, till I shrink,

     Pulling the blankets up against despair,

     And that's why god invented Teddy Bears.

Mine's a Lion.

XXIX hurt eye

Tonight I only think of jagged things:
Like arrow points and scalpels, fish scales too,
A lie revealed, a cut, torn insect wings,
Spider's silk round a fly, a joint turned blue.
A morning after, sunlight in the eyes,
A crocodile's mouth, a precise wasp,
A sleepless night, a lovers final sigh,
A broken doll, two hands--once tight--unclasped.
Thin paper slicing cross an open palm,
Splinters as tiny as a grain of sand,
These move behind my eyes all the day long,
A final straw that I cannot withstand.
    To ask for softened sleep is not too much,
    Don't ever scratch your cornea, it sucks.

XXVIII D20

My master, or my mistress (possibly),
Is nothing like the sun, nor coral red.
Though not a human, tis an entity,
With all the powers mortals crave yet dread.
He/she doth hold me deep within its thrall,
And sparkles, as Icosahedrons do
With scintillating menace, oh, I fall
Each time, though he is fickle more than true.
My "lady" luck wears armor and a mace,
Uncertain outcome? That's just how she rolls.
Though inconvenienced now by time and space,
She/he's been dressed up with nowhere to go.
    We're both ready, I'm chomping at the bit,
     It's been so goddam long since I have crit.

XXVII synonyms

Protest, bemoan, wail, inveigh and deplore,
Lament, digress, bewail, decry, complain,
Nag, animadvert, bleat, peck, scold, and door.
Wail, mutter, kick, moan, keen, repine, cue rain.
Grouse, squawk, and holler, bellyache kvetch,
Sneer, scorn, deride, remunerate, opine.
Yawp, screech, snarl, gnarl, obstreperously quetch,
Digress, chew over, whine, whine, whine, drink wine.
Cast up, redress, contumely, cry, and bitch,
Denounce, and holler, crab, swear more, and spew,
Gasp, shout aloud, indemnify, screw this,
Recant and whimper, revelate, eschew.
   Sigh, croak, invoke, curse, groan and trip on rug,
   Invoke, revoke, find coffee, find a hug.

XXVI Capt. Picard

The Moral Compass of the Universe,

This title you'd impatiently eschew,

And please don't think I try to be perverse,

When I insist it's absolutely true.

You waver not within your principles, 

You make Earl Grey the noblest of all drinks,

You boldly face injustice where it dwells,

No matter what the higher ups may think.

Oh captain, my captain, forever more,

I would "Engage" for you at any time,

Through wormholes, time warps, (you never keep score)

Shield failure, engineering blips, and crime.

   Your prime directive virus I have caught,

   It smells of valor, and of bergamot.

   

XXV not heartbroken

Let this be clear, you did not break my heart.

I never felt the slightest crack or tear,

Its normal rhythm didn't stop, then start,

Its snapping sound did not make people stare.

I did strain though, a couple of my ribs,

And maybe a few muscles in my cheeks,

My dream life did not have a lot of give,

I overworked a few of my obliques.

I made the kleenex company a mil,

My nose and eyes were salty and quite red, 

My sinuses can feel the echo still,

Of the headache that lived in my sad head.

   So yes, some things were tweaked for a short time,

   But pulminarily I was just fine.

XXIV cat lady

Tonight, I do not wish to go and dance,
Or put on heels, or lipstick on my lips,
Short skirts will not suffice, nor shall tight pants,
My PJ's look like heaven wrapped in bliss.
It does seem wrong to be so lizard-like,
When saturday's, party night by my clock,
But now I think it would fulfill me quite,
To drink warm tea whilst watching new Sherlock.
I'll make it chamomile just to nail down,
The last gap of the settling coffin lid
Upon my twenties, I make myself frown,
Trying to figure out where I have hid.
        The kettles whistling, so I guess that's that,
         I might as well just go and buy a cat.

XXIII anatomy

Anatomy you're kicking all my glutes,
From max. to med. to little minimus,
You only deal in bony absolutes,
Your humerus is not so humorous.
It's getting on my last sciatic nerve,
How much of you there is to memorize:
Like all the ways in which a spine can curve,
My brain is just as tired as my eyes.
From C7 (that's cervical) to tail,
I've got to find and number every bone,
At "lumbo sacral" all my senses fail,
"Oh what a piece of work is man!" I moan.
   This list is just the tip of the iceberg,
    Leave my deeper functions alone, you perve.

XXII pancakes

You are so stacked it's quite hard not to drool,
It doesn't matter to me if you stuff
With blueberries or nuts, even plain's cool,
You smell so dreamy I can't get enough.
Oh Pancakes, you're the paragon of sweet.
You rise high, far above all breakfast food.
You queen it over bacon, eggs, complete--
ly self assured, and buttery to boot.
You're always happy to experiment,
With jelly's, jams, and honeys of all kinds,
When you sport only syrup I'm content,
Then you wear chocolate chips and blow my mind.
     This love affair will not make me thinner,
      Breakfast takes over even my dinner.

XXI Capt. Tightpants

Some men win every war to which they ride,
And fly home righteous on the winds of Fate,
Which clearly will be ever on their side,
Because their morals are both pure and straight.
Some men fight just so they might run again,
Or run, so that they'll get to fight some more,
Or breathe free air, or choose what kind of pain
The might inflict when settling old sore scores.
Some people find life in the in-between,
In nowhere, and the freedom that it grants,
Their ethics aren't particularly clean,
And they look mighty handsome in tight pants.
    You heart flies true, whatever's in your hold,
    You'll ever float my boat Captain Reynolds.